What a day. I think I just had the exercise I needed for today done, thanks to all the walking and the swimming I did. Yeah yeah. :) Now my legs are tired, and I'm really just...well, physically exhausted. I thought I'd share something before I go to bed because I might not be able to share this after. :D
Let me get it out straight without beating around the bush: I'm afraid of growing up.
Weird, right? But, yeah, I am. I used to not not be afraid, but now I am. I guess school shielded me from this before; because I was always so busy with schoolwork, I never thought about how big a responsibility that growing up entails. Now that I am graduating, I suddenly feel like I've been thrown into a Big Bad World and I knew about surviving. Oh yeah, I was excited for a while. But when I realized how different it is, I wanted to run back to where I came from!
That's why for the past days, I've been plagued by all kinds of insecurities. I feel like I don't know anything, that I never retained anything from whatever I studied, that I will never find my perfect job, that my closest friends from last year would move and go on with their lives without me, and that most of all, I wouldn't be doing the will of God in my life. I was afraid of the mistakes that I've yet to make, and I felt like a useless lump of a human being simply existing in this world. I don't know when it started -- maybe it was when I started to feel envious over a certain someone, maybe way after that. It was so bad that I ended up snapping at my family and fighting with my mom over my laziness and my lack of knowledge in doing something. I even stopped praying for two days because I felt like I couldn't pray anymore. It's like I was praying for the same thing over and over again, and I was getting tired of doing it. I was tired of being assuring, of being optimistic and I just wanted to figure out what was happening to me. I didn't want to read the books I have that could help me because I felt like I knew what they are telling me already.
I felt like a lost kid. Wait, make that a deaf one. Why deaf? I never once doubted that God loved me allthroughout those days, but I admit that I was too afraid (and maybe lazy) to listen and believe when God tells me He's taking care of me. What's funny was, I mistook my laziness as waiting for His will when in reality, it wasn't. In fact, being faced with so many
responsibilities as I grow up scared me silly that I didn't want to
listen to what He's telling me. I was afraid that He wouldn't fulfill
His promise to me. I felt like I was talking to God through a cellphone with very bad signal -- I knew He could hear me, but I couldn't hear Him because my side of the line was choppy.
And you know what? Not hearing what He was saying drove me nuts. As in. I feel like I was running around like a chicken who just lost its head. Okay, I haven't exactly seen one, but you get the idea. And being stuck at home made it even worse. I guess it was just like Jonah when he was in the belly of the whale -- cut off from everyone, he thought God was away from him too...but He wasn't. And He was never away from me; like I said, it was my side of the line that is choppy. I was asking Him to get me out of this funk and what do you know?
He pushed me into a place where I got clearer signal.
I don't know how He did it exactly...I suddenly felt like I could hear Him better, and that alone made a world of difference.
Right now, I still grope a bit...but I think I'm getting it again. I hope I am. Because not being with Him is like not living at all. I feel like a baby Catholic again, re-learning the things I know and learning some new things along the way too. And just like a baby, I couldn't do anything without Him.
As for the growing up thing? I've heard His answer to me a thousand times already, and He told it to me again: One day at a time, my dear daughter. One day at a time. I'm still afraid...but that's enough for me.
I missed You. :)
There are days I think I don't need You
There are days when I can't see the truth
I need You to save me from the lies
Because every thought that's in my head
And even when I draw my next breath
You knew it all before there was time..
All that I can do is hold onto You
And follow where you lead
Where You're leading me
All that I can do is hold onto You
And let You bring me through
It's all that I can do.
- All That I Can Do, Bethany Dillon
 | tina, pahingi copy ng high school musical.hehehe...
miss u |
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tina, pahingi copy ng high school musical.hehehe...